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Dear M,

It rained today. I was carrying all these books down 3rd Ave and didn't have an umbrella, so everything got soaked and the words started drowning. Some of the books were about art and one was by my favorite actress from the sixties but I think she is really trying to talk about the Holocaust. You would like her, she reminds me of you.

I want to ask you if you were ever nervous? Like when you were hiding in the shadows of those dark clubs, doing lines with all the young libertines while they ignored you? But then, at the same time, the objects they critiqued were saturated with bodies, bodies like your own. You were a subject but also an object, and now it's like, what, 50 years later and I feel that too. "I love your skirt".  I get bored to death and it feels good to lie and I don't know if I should feel guilty about that. Was it sad that you had all these calculations and predictions put upon you? A nice, cute white girl from the suburbs feeling angsty and difficult. Do you ever think about why you are in the context you were in? Dropping out  and just rejecting and refusing was the best thing I could have done. I want to refuse and distort limits on my own terms, you know?

Why am I even telling you all of this? I don't even know if you're alive. Do you think I'm psychotic? Bi-polar? Bilingual? Binary? You're both absent and present to me. I know you tried to follow that great intellectual dude once, in the South. And I tried to find you once too, but you weren't listed in the phonebook and you don't use Facebook. My dad uses Facebook. But you're a saint to me, M. You brought flooded language back up to the surface to breathe. I wanna do that too. I'm so bored with the current agenda. Give me back.

Once I bought a leather Prada backpack for only 5 dollars. And then, another time, I found a Joseph Kosuth in the garbage. They're both hanging in my room, like some renegade trophies because I know they're probably worth a lot of money but I payed nearly nothing. That's based on an old foundation of thinking I have when it comes to these kind of things. It's fucked, I know. Give me back.

Please Right back,
With all my love,

Alaina Claire Feldman
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